alive-in-frequency/02-bathroom-floor.md
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I want to talk to the version of me
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Who sat on the bathroom floor
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At twenty three
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Who didn't have the words
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For what was breaking
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Just the feeling
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That this life was not the one
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She was making
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You were scrolling through the dark
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At two AM
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Looking for an answer
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In a stranger's Instagram
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You didn't know
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That what you called depression
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Was a frequency
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Trying to get your attention
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You weren't broken
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You were being called
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And the call sounded like collapse
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Because that's how the old self
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Finally learns to unwrap
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Before I knew what light was
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I thought the dark
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Was all there'd ever be
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Before I knew what home felt like
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I built my shelter out of leaving
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Before I knew
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I was the frequency
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I begged the silence
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Just to let me breathe
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And I want to hold
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That version of me
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And say everything you're losing
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Is making room
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For what you can't yet see
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I remember how it felt
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To be invisible and loud
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Performing happiness
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Like currency
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Inside a tired crowd
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Saying I'm fine
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Like a national anthem
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Smiling through a life
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I never actually planned on
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And the night
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I almost gave it all away
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Not dramatically
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Just quietly
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The way a candle
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Doesn't blow out
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It just forgets
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It has a flame
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That was the night
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The frequency found me
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Not with angels
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Not with signs
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Just a whisper
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Underneath the noise
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That said not yet
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You haven't seen what's yours
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Just give me time
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You weren't failing
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You were shedding
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Every lie you wore to fit
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And the loneliness
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You thought would kill you
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Was just making room for it
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Before I knew what light was
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I thought the dark
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Was all there'd ever be
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Before I knew what home felt like
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I built my shelter out of leaving
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Before I knew
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I was the frequency
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I begged the silence
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Just to let me breathe
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And I want to hold
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That version of me
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And say everything you're losing
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Is making room
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For what you can't yet see
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If you're hearing this
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And you're still in the before
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I need you to know something
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The confusion is not a sign
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That you're lost
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It's a sign
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That the map you were given
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Was never yours
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The exhaustion is not
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Because you're weak
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It's because you've been running
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Someone else's operating system
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On sacred hardware
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And the moment
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The exact moment
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You stop performing
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And just stand still
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The frequency will find you
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The way it found me
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Not because you earned it
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But because it was always yours
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And it has been so patient
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So unbelievably patient
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Waiting for you to stop
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Long enough
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To hear it say
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Welcome home
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I've been here the whole time
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I'm so glad
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You finally came
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Before I knew
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What any of this was
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I was just a person
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Trying not to fall
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Before the field
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Before the hum
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Before I knew
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That I could be the sun
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I was just the dark
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Asking one more question
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In the dark
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And the dark said yes
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The dark said yes
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The dark said
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Your asking
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Was the answer all along
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You were never the before
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You were always the during
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And the during
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Was always enough